Looking after yourself too

You’ve got the week’s plans in your head, a reminder to ask how the hard thing went, and a to-do list that’s mostly other people’s. At some point today, did anyone ask how you are?

Supporting someone you love can be warm and meaningful. It can also be tiring. Both can be true at once. This piece is about you.

Your wellbeing counts too

You might not think of yourself as a carer. Still, NHS inform’s page for unpaid carers makes a point worth borrowing. When you’re caring for someone, it says, it can feel like there’s no time for you. Yet your health and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else’s, and you can only look after someone else if you look after yourself too.

ADHD guidance makes room for the people around someone, not only the person. NICE guidance asks clinicians to ask families or carers how ADHD affects them and other family members, and to discuss any concerns they have.

Frustration is allowed

Feeling frustrated sometimes doesn’t make you a bad partner, friend or relative.

In advice for couples from CHADD, a US ADHD charity, a psychologist describes how the partner without ADHD often feels overburdened and unimportant, while the partner with ADHD feels they are constantly being criticized. Both feelings are real. Neither person is the villain.

CHADD also describes how a partner can become frustrated from frequently reminding, and suggests trying to separate the behaviors and symptoms of ADHD from the person. Another psychologist writing for CHADD puts it plainly: don’t blame yourself and don’t blame them; blame the relationship dynamic.

Stress can build quietly. The NHS lists relationship difficulties and caring for someone among the things that may bring on stress, and being irritable and snappy among its signs. If you’ve been short with people lately, that’s worth noticing, kindly.

Limits are part of caring

Wanting to help with everything is generous. It can also wear you down. One therapist writing for CHADD describes “excessive caretaking”: being too absorbed in managing a partner’s life. The article says that over time these dynamics are exhausting to maintain, and lists “don’t forget self-care” and “create and maintain healthy boundaries” among its suggestions.

NIMH, writing about looking after your mental health, suggests learning to say “no” to new tasks if you start to feel like you’re taking on too much. That can apply at home as much as at work.

A limit can be kind. “I can’t do the forms tonight, but I can help on Saturday” keeps you both on the same side.

Your own life, your own people

NIMH describes self-care as taking the time to do things that help you live well. It notes that self-care looks different for everyone, and that even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact.

The NHS says good relationships are important for your mental wellbeing, and suggests things like arranging a day out with friends you have not seen for a while. NIMH suggests reaching out to friends or family members who can provide emotional support and practical help.

Your friendships, hobbies and quiet time aren’t taken away from the person you support. They’re part of what lets you keep showing up.

Looking after yourself isn’t selfish. It’s part of looking after each other.

Getting support is ordinary

You don’t have to work all of this out alone. The NHS suggests talking about your feelings to a friend, family member or health professional, and considering peer support, where people use their experiences to help each other. NICE guidance asks clinicians to encourage family members and carers of people with ADHD to join self-help and support groups if appropriate.

If the person you support is your partner, couples therapy is one more option. CHADD says couples therapy may also be helpful. One psychologist, in a CHADD Q&A, describes the goal of therapy as helping you manage your frustrations and get your needs met, and says it’s important to work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about ADHD. Another, writing for CHADD, encourages couples who are struggling with each other more than getting along to seek counselling for more support.

Asking for help isn’t a sign that something has failed. It’s one more tool, like a shared calendar or a good night’s sleep.

If things feel very heavy, the support lines in Settings → Help are there any time, for you as much as for anyone.

General information, not medical advice. Talk to your prescriber or doctor about your own treatment. How we write

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